I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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