Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is wine microwaveable?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
