There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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