is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
