I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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