I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
