I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night