Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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