I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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