I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO