He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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