so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
