You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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