Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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