That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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