how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
