I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
