I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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