I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
