my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
