i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.