I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
