He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
