Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
