You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
