yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
