I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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