matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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