Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
