it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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