It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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