everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
