I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
