went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
40s are totally the cure
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
