last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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