Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
