Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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