Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
