EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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