Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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