Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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