I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
