Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
