I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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