I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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