I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
