Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
