Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
