Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize