I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
