i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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