you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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