i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
