I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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