my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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