everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
