I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
