It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
