Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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